What I am feeling – Jan 2017

I am going to start a series called “What I am feeling” which will appear on my blog each and every time I feel overwhelmed or too emotional or lost or even confused. This will be an honest look into a situation or a problem that I am facing at a particular moment and I will be looking forward to opinions, advice, and any form of help from all of my readers based on their experience or knowledge. What I am not looking for is judgement.

 

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Image courtesy: Pixabay

So this time the person leading to the messed up state of my mind is my little almost 5-year-old. Vi, has never been a stubborn child, he didn’t have the terrible twos nor did he give us any kind of trouble up until his last birthday. I don’t know if people would believe it when I say that even as a baby he was totally manageable. He was not the crying howling babies that people scare you with when you are pregnant. He was so calm that when my friends and relatives would visit us, they would say that it doesn’t even seem like there’s a baby in this house. Last weekend we had a specially difficult time. We had gone shopping with him and he was, as usual, running around the place. I would keep telling him to slow down since both N and I am not able to keep up with him. This shopping space was a huge open area with at least a million people. Finally, in between his running around, he went and dashed into a lady. Luckily they didn’t fall over. But I gave him an earful when N told me about this. Vi was so upset that he said he’s going away and that he doesn’t want to see us again. I didn’t take it seriously and went off to order food since I was super hungry by that time. N had gone to get him. And he comes running back in 2 minutes saying that he can’t find him. Now we both start panicking. We run around trying to find him and I am on the verge of crying. N tells me to calm down and walk back the same route. He walks towards the information centre to see if he can speak to a security officer and I walk back slowly the same route I had taken. As I walk slowly and look around, I see Vi hiding in between the plants. Feeling completely overwhelmed, I am in tears as I hug Vi tight. He tries to squirm away but I don’t let go. I call N and he comes over and sees that we have found Vi. Vi says he doesn’t want to talk to us, be with us and he is really upset that we didn’t listen to his version of what happened and scolded him. We tell him that he could have got lost. His response is ‘Let me get lost’. Both my husband and I are really upset but we control our emotions and just hug him. We know that getting angry and upset is not going to do any good at that particular time. We tell him that we don’t want to lose him. Vi goes on to explain that he was hiding so that we don’t find him. It breaks my heart to hear my baby saying that. To imagine that he prefers to be lost than be with his Amma and Papa. Finally, after all, the emotions have settled we go to have lunch.

Later that evening at home, we have our normal, tried and tested and failed fight for more TV time. Vi throws a tantrum saying he wants to watch more TV and I lose my cool and give him a tight whack on his bottom. All the pent up emotions from the afternoon are released. He goes away upset and I go to my guilt space. That night I am not able to sleep. I just can’t understand what I am doing wrong or different, what is happening to my little boy and what to do to improve the situation. It makes me feel helpless and somehow useless too. My husband N tells me not to worry. He is one amazing father and I have to say that if I didn’t have him by my side, I would have been a parent that I would never be proud of. He gives me an idea, he tells me that anytime I feel like I am going to lose my temper with Vi, to try and get down to his level and understand him. At least I will be able to cool off. He tells me to think of him as an adult too. I will try that and see how it works.

 

Please do read this:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-5667c315-a69c-4e5d-a683-e4e7771eb04d

This is an article I saw 3 days after we had this incident and it scared the life out of me. I thought for a minute that what if.

So let me what you think? What would you have done in a similar situation? Have any of you had similar experiences? Please do share what you feel, about the incident, our reaction, and any advice regarding what we could have done differently.

Update: This post was written almost 2 weeks ago.  And I have tried what my husband suggested. I try to think of Vi, as any adult whom I would interact with. It doesn’t mean that I would give into all his demands. But there is a  respect in the way we communicate.I don’t say a blanket no. We talk why the particular request may not be viable at a particular time. I feel there is a small change and we are seeing fewer tantrums.

And in the days that followed the incident, we had a few stories of rabbits that get lost and wolfs that get taken away by elephants and police ants who have to help find the lost animals 😛 .We would never miss out on opportunities for a story!

But this is not a chance I ever want to take. Of losing my little boy. I couldn’t live without him.

 

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15 thoughts on “What I am feeling – Jan 2017

  1. vinodinii says:

    Parenting can be trying at some point or the other. I’m sure most parents go through some hiccups or the other with their own children. All I can suggest is be patient and try to observe patterns of behaviour your child is adapting. Probably that would give better insight on how you could tackle the situation effectively next time around.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First of all, big hugs. This could not have been easy to go through and I know what you’re experiencing right now given your condition.

    Secondly, breathe. Don’t beat yourself up. We all say things in anger which we don’t mean. Kids are no different. They can’t actually live without us. They need a good dose of love and discipline at all times and it’s fine to show them that we know better especially in public places.

    Finally, write it out, the way you have. Pick up the phone and talk to a close friend. Get a support group online or offline where you can discuss these things without being judged. You need it for your sanity and peace of mind. And as always I’m just a message away if you want to rant or vent or sob. Trust me. The parenting path isn’t easy. We need to stick up for one another. Hugs and hugs again. 💓

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks love! Yes, I will take all the hugs I get. Writing it out made me feel much better and then I was thinking if I should publish it or not. Then I felt it’s fine. Parenting is not all rosy. And later in life it would be funny for Vi to look back at 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hugs! Parents are allowed to get angry but also important to talk to the child. Not a parent but yes, parenting is not an easy job. You both are doing a great job with Vi. How can I say so? Because I see you thinking about things and documenting them as lessons to learn. A good thing, Uma.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww…Thanks Parul :* It means means a lot of hear that. Yesterday I saw a post of a girl missing from school and she was found later at VT station. I was left thinking what happens in a child’s mind and how parents can really truly know it.. Trying to get to know and understand Vi and grow as he grows.

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  4. There’s no ready reference book when it comes to parenting, Uma. Your biggest strength is the fact that you adore your boy and will do anything to make sure he’s happy. My son was an angel too–and everyone wondered how a child could be so happy. But yeah, he had his moments and we had ours too, regretfully. It is easy to say “stay calm” but hey, parents are also humans. So, be kind to yourself, and look through the eyes of love as much as you can. It is okay to slip up. Story telling is a great way to bond with children–especially when you tweak them to deliver lessons. And mealtimes are the best time for this.

    Hugs! I think you are a wonderful mother, and a very brave one for sharing your feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah….nothing you read can really prepare you for what to expect. At each stage. At his 2s and 3s, we expected terrible behaviour but didn’t have any. But at 4 suddenly it was an outburst. Slowly I am understanding what his difficulties are. It’s the same as they say about a 2 or 3 year old. Communication! He has 3 languages to grasp and I feel that at times he does feel overwhelmed. French exclusively in school. None at home. English with Indian friends and Malayalam at home.
      Stories are the best way to impart small lessons I feel too. It’s usually at bedtime for us. And he thinks and thinks about the story and always has questions in the morning 😉
      Thanks so much for your support :* I just feel that you are a great mom. I hope I am able to work around to being a good one too.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. inquisitivegeet says:

    Not a parent yet, but I sure hear a lot of stories of how hard parenting gets.

    Hugs to you! And yes, pour your heart out here and we are all ears to it! No judgments!

    Cheers
    Geets

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks dear! I would not say that parenting is always hard. It has lovely moments when your heart just melts and you love the fact that there is this little human being who can make you feel like no one else can. But it’s not always that good. That little human can turn into a monster …hehehe. I guess it takes time to accept that they are also just like us with moods and feelings 😉

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  6. Oh here s the balance comment… Not sure why it got submitted before i completed it. Staying calm as a parent is the toughest things to do . So many a times i have been told to take it easy.. but parenting as a job is a toughie and i probably lack patience.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Me too…I am not a really patient person. Even my horoscope says that :p But marriage and Vi have brought down the extent of it quite a lot. I still lose it but sometimes you just feel that you can keep it under control….and sometimes like you said I flare up too 😐 and always regret it.

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